How open are you to having conversations around sex, pleasure, and intimacy with your significant other and close friendships?

In today’s guest episode, I have Molly Eames, MEd, a trained sex therapist, educator, author and coach joining me to chat about sensual sexuality and much more!

Molly emphasizes the need to overcome shame and explore sensuality as a key aspect of sexuality.

We also challenge societal taboos surrounding learning or even talking about sex, sacred self pleasure, and menstruation.

Molly is devoted to helping you and other women take back your power source! She even gives you a real time experience to try out during the show. You can’t miss this!

Highlights Include:

• The 5 Spheres of Sexuality

• Book Recommendations (listed below)

• Improving Sexual and Intimate Experiences

• Overcoming Blocks and Connecting with the Body

• Incorporating Sensuality Basics

• Intentional Connection and Self-Care

• Menstruation, Cycle Syncing and Planning

Connect with Molly Eames, MEd by following her on Instagram at ⁠@molly.eames⁠ and join her email list by going to her website, ⁠www.mollyeames.com⁠. When you sign up you’ll receive Sacred Start, which is the foundation of what she teaches her clients.

Molly Eames Book Recommendations:

Untrue: Why nearly everything we believe about women, lust, and infidelity is wrong and how the new science can set us free. -- Wednesday Martin, PhD

Vagina: A new biography -- Naomi Wolf

Come As You Are: The science behind sex -- Emily Nagoski, PhD

Pussy: A reclamation -- Mama Gena Thomsauer 

Cycle Syncing - In the Flow by Alisa Vita

Wild Power by Alexandra Pope + Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer

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Molly Eames, MEd believes talking about sex will change the world. She brings over a decade of experience working in sexual health as a trained sex therapist, educator, author and coach.

Molly empowers women to start exploring their sexual self through a trauma-informed lens by offering a blend of comprehensive sexuality education and heart-centered soul work. Having studied many modalities (Trauma-Focused CBT, Mindfulness, Somatics, Internal Family Systems, Emotionally-Focused Therapy) and explored holistic alternatives (Breathwork, Reiki II + Energy Work, Psychedelic Therapy, Somatic Movement, Sacred Sexuality), Molly offers clients a wide range of techniques to support their path to Becoming.

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TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE

Molly (00:00)

Well, hello there, lady. Welcome back to Reinventing the Arena podcast. I'm your host, Molly Connolly. On today's episode, I have a woman who believes talking about sex will change the world.

Molly Ames, MED, brings over a decade of experience working in sexual health as a trained sex therapist, educator, author, and coach.

She empowers women to start exploring their sexual self through a trauma-informed lens by offering a blend of comprehensive sexuality education and heart-centered soul work. Having studied many modalities such as trauma-focused CBT, internal family systems, and emotionally focused therapy, while exploring holistic alternatives like breath work, reiki, and somatic movement, Molly offers clients a wide range of techniques to support their path to becoming.

Welcome to the show, Molly. I'm so happy you're here. Like I had to sing it as an intro.

Molly Eames (00:51)

Me too. I kind of loved that. It was beautiful. I am so excited to be here with you and to talk about all things.

Molly (01:01)

Yeah, you know what I love is that even before I met you, and well actually when I did meet you at Babes in Business networking event in St. Louis last summer, when I approached you I was like, oh my gosh, I wonder if she'll ever join the podcast. I had already heard about you and I was like, I would really love to have someone come on and talk about the things that you love. And when our schedules and the stars aligned, we were able to grab coffee and do a whole chat.

And I loved hearing some of the stories of what makes you who you are at your core. Would you share how you started working in sexual health?

Molly Eames (01:37)

Yeah, absolutely. So I, let's see here, I'm a trained sex therapist and when I started working, my heart was really with teenagers and adolescents. I just think that growing up is really hard. No one prepares you for adulting. And throughout that process, I just started having a lot of kids reveal to me some really sad sexual abuse that they were experiencing.

and I was kind of thrown into that sexual health world. And I'm a stepmom to three kids, and at that time my kids were going through adolescence as well, and it just kind of became a lot to do with, you know, working with teenagers and then coming home to my teenagers, and I really needed to expand. So I started working with young adults and women. And what I really recognized is that, gosh, sex education in America kind of blows.

And it doesn't matter if you're 10, 12, 30, 75, like none of us really know what's going on. And so I'm sitting here with these young women and asking them about sex and what's happening in their life. And they're like, oh, you mean that's a thing I can talk about? No one has ever taken the time to ask me these kinds of questions or to even tell me that, hey, that's wrong and incorrect. And maybe think about it this way.

So it was just really powerful. It was also through my own healing journey that also really solidified my space and sexual health and You know having Experienced unhealthy relationships and some sexual trauma as a younger person There was a point in my 20s when I felt deeply Cut off from who like from my sexual self and completely from my body

Molly (03:31)

Mm-hmm.

Molly Eames (03:33)

And that was when I really started working with somatics and the body and helping women feel safe and confident there. That's what it's about. I really ultimately believe that you cannot be a powerful woman and be afraid of your pussy. We are meant to experience pleasure as female bodies. Like pleasure is our birthright.

And that is what I love talking about and helping women reconnect to that part of themselves because inherently at our core we are all beautiful, powerful, intelligent, seductive, wild and free.

Molly (04:15)

Yeah, I love that. I love how you brought it all together, not just your journey, but how women experience sex, not even being able to talk about it. And that is something that I feel like any woman listening is going to remember the first time they first not only had a sexual experience, but how they communicated those sexual experiences either with their partner or then just talking about it with their friends. And having...

Molly Eames (04:25)

Mm.

Molly (04:42)

those moments of, is this similar for you? Or is, you know, am I doing something wrong? And friends being like, oh, like look it up in a magazine or, you know, the old school way of like, Cosmo, let's just check this out.

Molly Eames (04:55)

Yes, and I love Cosmo. I was a Cosmo girl, I get it. Um, and also, not everything you read is correct. And I assure you that most of us learn from talking to our older sisters or siblings or cousins, porn, whatever, and that shit is wrong. Like, nobody knows what the hell they're talking about there.

Molly (05:18)

Oh, I definitely can, I can agree with that. Like I am the oldest, so I had no one to talk to about it in my family, just to be brutally honest, like my cousin age gap was like, one was 26 years old when I was five, and then the younger cousins, I was like, we're not gonna obviously be able to talk to you about these things, or I can't ask you anything. So I relied a lot on my friends and my friends didn't.

know anything. And you know, even though I did really like Cosmo at certain points, it was still really hyper focused on the man and making sure to approve, get approval from ourselves, like by doing things for him versus really focusing on our own sexual pleasure. If that's, but that's just how I perceived some of those articles back in, let's just be brutally honest, the early, even, you know, it was definitely the late 90s, early thousands. So.

Molly Eames (06:07)

Yeah. And it makes sense because let's be real. Most of the literature and content that is out there is based on his pleasure and how tips and tricks for, you know, to make him come. And those are great, right? Like there's a space for that, but I think there's a larger conversation to be about our pleasure and remembering that we get to experience that too. It's not just always about our partner.

Molly (06:32)

Oh, 100%. So I know that part of what you and I discussed on during that coffee chat was to talk about sensual sexuality. So what is it and how can it improve our sexual and intimate experiences with a partner?

Molly Eames (06:49)

Yeah, absolutely. So first, let's just talk about sexuality really quickly. There are five spheres of sexuality and sensuality is one of them. So the first sphere is sexual identity, and that's where we talk about the development of the sense of who we are as sexual beings, our identity, our gender roles, our sexual expression. We then have sexual health and reproduction, and that's...

where we can talk about our attitudes and behaviors related to producing children. We then have sensuality, which is really about connecting with all of our senses. It's awareness and acceptance and comfort in our own skin and body. It's the physiological, as well as the psychological enjoyment of our body and the body of others. So sensuality is really fucking cool. Intimacy is another...

Molly (07:28)

Man.

Molly Eames (07:46)

part of sexuality, an intimacy into me I see is the ability and need to experience emotional closeness with another person and have it returned to us. And the last part of sexuality is sexualization. And that is the use of sexuality to influence, manipulate, coerce, control. That's the part where we talk about like sexual harassment and rape.

So when we talk about sexuality, there's a lot of different things that we can talk about. It is not just like penis and vagina and let's make babies. There's so much else that goes into this. So I really love focusing on sensuality and intimacy. One of the biggest hurdles, I would say, that I experience with clients or really anyone in having this conversation is shame.

We hold so much shame about our sex and who we are and who we love and pleasure. It can be really, really hard for a lot of people to even start engaging in this conversation because of how you grew up. Like, how did you learn about sex? I mean, that is my first question I love to ask every person. What was your experience learning about it? And many people are like, oh,

of crazy, we didn't talk about it. Depending on your culture, your religion, what part of the world you're from, it's all going to affect how you learned about sexuality. And so shame is definitely the number one barrier to connecting with this part of yourself.

Molly (09:31)

Yeah.

Molly Eames (09:33)

When it comes to shame, and I mean, it's the shame monster, you have to talk about it. Otherwise, the shame monster just continues to hide and it just makes you feel ickier and dirtier even. So my first way of loving to kind of overcome that, man, there are so many good books out there. Like don't even talk to someone. I mean, yes, talk with someone, but if that's too much, start reading.

Molly (09:57)

Hahaha!

Molly Eames (09:59)

And I have three books, four books that immediately come to mind that will completely shift your concept of what it means to be female and a sexual female. The first one of those books is Untrue by Winsdy Martin. Um, she kind of goes into like everything that we were taught to believe and why that was bogus and kind of bullshit. And the following one is Vagina.

by Naomi Wolf and talk about a deep dive history of females and what it means to be feminine. That just through a cultural lens of thousands of years was fascinating. The other two I would say are Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski, like really figure out the science of your body and learn about it and understand. So she really satisfies that nerdy science bit.

Um, mama Gina, pussy, a reclamation. And that is like the woo embodied side of it. Like, okay, now I got the science of sex and now let's really, what does it mean to be a turned on woman? What does it mean to be really connected to your power source and to your yoni and to your pussy and what is your relationship like with her? And that's when you get to get into like some really ooey gooey, like, Hmm, I want that. Like, how do I get more of that?

Molly (11:21)

Mm-hmm. Amazing.

Molly Eames (11:23)

So if you're a book-hired, those are my four top four. Ha ha.

Molly (11:28)

I will make sure to include those in the show notes and links, ladies, so that if you wanna read any of those books that Molly recommended, you can snag them. Obviously, grab them off Amazon or wherever you get your books. It's just crazy. The stuff that I read has nothing to do with sexual health or sexual sensuality or intimacy, but I can only imagine how reading those books could just enhance a relationship.

right now, like in anyone's relationship to wherever you are, even just your relationship with yourself, but also with a partner. So when did you start reading those books? I know this is like a totally segue, but did you read those books during a specific time of your life? Did you like read them all together? Like how did you embrace and experience learning all those? Because that is such a depth of knowledge. Those are four very unique books.

Molly Eames (12:26)

Yeah, well, I'm just a little bit of a book nerd. I have a fascination for knowledge and I just want to read, read. So I just wanna put voice to that part. Part of this was through my master's program and just kind of having a natural curiosity. But to be really honest, yeah, it was through my own healing journey.

where I got to a point where I felt that.

You know, I really wanted to understand more. I wanted to understand why. Like, as women, how did we get here? I got really curious about, in one of my classes, in one of my continuing education classes, we had learned, we had specifically been talking about war crimes and why there are sexual war crimes and why that is such an active part of violence. And...

There was a study done in Africa and talked about like the lights out syndrome. And it was basically this acknowledgement of when you are talking with someone who has been violence to have, who has experienced sexual violence. Um, they no longer have the light in their eyes. And that was this connection point that I really was like, that's fucking curious to me and why is that? And I don't know, I just felt like there was more there. And so that is kind of what.

guided me back to vagina and untrue, of really understanding from a, from a cultural and historical perspective, what is the history of women's sexuality? Um, and how has it shifted? So that's kind of where I got into that space. And then I went down a really big woo divine feminine rabbit hole about six years ago. Um, I had reached a space in my healing that.

I was feeling pretty with it. And I was sitting in a woman's circle and a woman asked me, the question was like, where do you feel safe in your body? And I like had no fucking idea. I'm sitting here and I'm like, that is such a weird question. No one's ever asked me that before. And I have no fucking idea. Like I don't even know how to begin to answer this question. And every other woman.

Molly (14:46)

Ha ha!

Molly Eames (14:54)

had this beautiful embodied response and I was like, I don't get it. How come I'm not there? I've done all this work. I'm a fucking expert in sexuality. I don't understand. And I was missing the divine feminine and that connection to our body and to our cycle and to really like, what does Molly like? I don't think anybody had ever asked me that even in all of my...

You know, trainings, it was always about science and the physical action. But like, what do I like? And to be fair, what I like now at 39 is different than what I liked at 33 and 27 and 20 and 18 and whatever. So it was a worthwhile deep dive.

Molly (15:40)

Oh yeah, and I love that you brought that up, that what, where we feel safe in our bodies, of course that's gonna be different for every single person, but at the same time of like not knowing is completely normal. And it takes self-exploration, yeah. And like the self-exploration, the self-discovery allows you to move freely in that, as well as like honor yourself that it's not always going to be the same. And I feel like women need to know that.

Molly Eames (15:53)

Yes, totally.

Molly (16:09)

you just calling out saying like what you like now is not what you liked five years ago or whatnot and it's going to change even for women if you're really if you're like in your early 20s or your 30s and you're in this time like you're not settled down yet and you're just still exploring not only yourself but looking for a partner it's always going to be different with someone else and that's another cue to know and when you do find someone and you stay in a committed relationship with them that

sensuality and intimacy is also going to change as the dynamics of the relationship changes. So thank you for normalizing even just the immediate of ourselves of sexuality, intimacy and sensuality changes.

Molly Eames (16:55)

Yeah, across the lifespan. And if anything, that is why having some practices that keep you connected to yourself and connected to your own sensuality is really, really important. Because those are the things that will always ground you. And in that moment of like, oh, what do I want? What do I need? You'll know our bodies are infinitely wise. Just connect back to her and she will tell you what she needs and what you're wanting.

Molly (17:14)

Ha ha.

Yeah, the connection back to self. So is that one of the ways that you feel right now that can improve our sexual and intimate experiences for those women that really want to learn more about sensual sexuality especially?

Molly Eames (17:39)

Absolutely. You know, one of the things I was going to throw out there was that the other common thing I hear from women all the time when it comes to intimacy is like, A, we don't have time. There's not enough hours in the day between life and work and kids. And like, how do I do this? Stress. I hear that all the time with like mismatched libidoes of I'm stressed. He wants that. I don't want it. Like, how do we go through this? And

What I'm going to tell you is that throughout all of this, it's you taking the time to come back to yourself and taking the time to remember that, yes, you like pleasure, pleasure feels good. You are meant to experience pleasure like all the time. And sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we like it and that it's good for us. So I think about it as, you know, like, how do you define

And most people would respond with, well, yeah, sex is P and V and like it's doing the deed and like, come on. But I'm gonna push you to expand that, to think a little bit farther. What exactly is sex? And sex is a shared experience. It is about pleasure. Sex is not just about penetration. It's about cuddling and kissing and contact and hugging and flirting and sending that.

you know, super juicy sexed earlier in the day. And, you know, remembering your love languages and remembering how to drop into yourself and your partner. And all of those things are really, really healthy. Planning sexy time where it's not on the calendar because it's like, we're gonna have penetration on Tuesday at 7 p.m. It's a planned opportunity for connection and intimacy. And that can look like a lot of different things. It can look like.

watching a movie together or putting together legos or just flirting and having massage time, it could also be like, yeah, I know that at 7 p.m. we're gonna have this planned moment of intimacy and I want some, so I'm gonna shower and do what I need to do ahead of time to get in the mood so I can show up for my partner and be in this way. So knowing yourself and knowing what you like and what turns you on.

and being okay with slowing down, that's where the magic happens. Because when you slow down to experience the erotic, to experience the pleasure, the anticipation, the slow drip, like it's beautiful. And there are a lot of different ways on how you can slow down and get to know yourself. One of my favorite practices to hand out both.

Molly (20:08)

Mm.

Molly Eames (20:30)

for myself and my clients is this concept of sacred self pleasure. Like let's take the time and really get to know our bodies. To take the time and whether it's through, you know, an object or a sensual object or your hands, like figure out how you like to be touched. How do you like to be stroked? And there's no judgment in this. This is just like curiosity and openness of like, wow.

Do I like having my shoulder strokes? Maybe I don't, maybe I like a firmer touch. When was the last time that you sat down and looked at your vulva? I mean, probably not recently, unless you're me, yeah, you know, she shouldn't be just like a stranger. You should know her. And...

You should know how she likes her coffee and what her favorite song is. And in order to do that, you gotta spend some time connecting.

Molly (21:30)

Yeah. And I love that you even brought out like, do you like your shoulders being touched? Like we constantly focus on sexual pleasure as like you said penis and vagina. Like that's just it. These are the only two places to cause pleasure. And if you're a woman who really loves like intimate rom-com scenes or even just regular, you know, like I'm just thinking of like certain movies when I was younger and

I can't even think of them off the top of my head because I'm horrible at naming movies and my husband will tell you that 100%. I'll be like, mom, that was a scene from something else. And I'll be like, oh, great, whatever, honey, I love you. But like, sometimes we experience like, learning how to be intimate and sexual with someone based off of like, those movies that we watch, like, oh, it doesn't just start right away. They're, you know, kissing the neck and kissing the chest. They're, you know, kissing the hips or...

Molly Eames (22:06)

So am I.

Molly (22:29)

you know, brushing the shoulders, like you said, or embracing in a certain way. Yes, and people don't know that that's foreplay still. They think, oh, foreplay is touching him and he's touching me. And no, it's so much more than that. And I wanted to make sure we really accentuate and just bring that home for the women here that are listening, that, like you said, it is okay to touch your body. Men touch their body all the time.

Molly Eames (22:32)

Or play!

Molly (22:56)

They touch it all the time. Even if they want to lie about it, they've been playing with their penis for let's know how long. Like probably even before we even thought about having a period, I'm just being brutally honest. Like fourth grade, they were definitely playing with their penises in fourth grade. So.

Molly Eames (23:03)

Yes.

And to be fair, before we were taught that it was not acceptable for us, we were holding our vulvas at an early age and we were like, ooh, this feels good. Like ooh. And if you think about, if you have younger kids or aunties or whatever, little kids just know that something feels good, right? They don't have that.

Molly (23:24)

Oh.

Molly Eames (23:41)

that cultural context of like, oh no, that's bad, that's shameful, don't do that. They're just like, wow, this feels good. So you'll see a lot of younger kids with stuffed animals or a pillow and they're kind of like rubbing it against their genitals because it feels good. And then at some point someone goes, no, that is wrong. We do not do that. And you learned at a very young age of, oh, I can't do that. Like that's not meant for me.

Molly (24:03)

Hmm

Molly Eames (24:12)

And so a lot of the shame comes back to really young parts, right? And I mean, okay, if you're open and curious and would like to partake in an experience with me, just like cup your vulva right now. I know this sounds totally crazy and just like detach yourself from how weird this is and just go ahead, like hold her and just close your eyes and lean into that. Feel her heat, feel her warmth and just what happens.

Molly (24:12)

Interesting.

Molly Eames (24:42)

How does that feel? And if you're like, holy shit, that's weird as fuck, okay, cool, I get it. And just lean into that, but come back to it. And maybe next time you can hold her for a second longer and really tap into that power portal because that's exactly what she has.

Molly (25:01)

And you know what I love about that? Just even having that moment of really giving yourself the power to feel the power within yourself, it just gives you a new sense of self. Like so much more than you think of the penetration part or whatnot. Just now when you were mentioning about as little kids, I'm even thinking about the times where I had to really go to the bathroom.

Molly Eames (25:14)

Yes.

Yeah.

Molly (25:30)

And what did I do? I instantly put pressure there and being like, oh my God, I have to go to the bathroom. My mom's like, move your hands out of the way. And I'm like, why? Like I'm having to hold it in. And I'm like five, you know? And she's like, you don't touch yourself there. And I completely remember this now when you brought that up. I was like, but it's just because I had to go to the bathroom when little boys, if they had to go to the bathroom, they would hold themselves and they're like, okay, fine. Like you're gonna go to the bathroom. It's just a similar experience of.

Molly Eames (25:39)

Yes. Yeah.

Molly (25:58)

not being able to put your hands there because you also need to keep your legs crossed. And for anyone that knows this, or wants to know this, my physical therapist is like, that's one of the worst things you can do for your hips and your pelvic floor and any part of your body, especially as you get older, and you're gonna sit in a damn chair in a corporate office, uncross your damn legs, put your fucking feet on the floor, be a powerful woman and stop being ashamed and having to cross your legs.

Molly Eames (26:12)

Totally.

Yes.

Molly (26:27)

Just another note. Ha ha.

Molly Eames (26:29)

Mm-hmm. Totally. And you know, another way this pops up a lot for women is even just reflect back on your earliest sexual encounters. And for many of us, we have a moment with a partner that we felt very shamed, like, oh, you mean my vulva doesn't look like her vulva? Like, no shit, of course, like you're your own.

Molly (26:41)

Hmm.

Molly Eames (26:56)

individual person, of course I shouldn't look like you. But now all of a sudden, we're meant to think that all of us look a certain way. And if mine doesn't look like that, that I should be ashamed of it. And that maybe my partner won't love me or want to be with me because mine doesn't look like somebody else's. And that's so, oh my God, my heart just breaks every time I hear that from a client. And it just makes me like, oh honey, let's reclaim that aspect of yourself because...

There is nothing shameful or dirty about you.

Molly (27:28)

No, and I guarantee you that most of the time, if men did say that to you or whatnot, they were also covering up something about themselves and they were distracting that situation onto you.

Molly Eames (27:41)

For sure.

Molly (27:44)

So I love this, some of these methods, and especially giving the power back to yourself though, but is there any other methods or tools or tips that you use with clients that the ladies use to move through any blocks that they might have to get in tune with their body

Molly Eames (28:01)

Yeah, I would say that one of the most powerful tools to really move some stagnant energy and to just feel like that first sense of kind of safety in your body is honestly dance. It's dance and movement. And there are so many different reasons why, but I love this practice. One of the biggest reasons is, and I know you understand this,

As women, how many times have we been out somewhere and you just look and you've made eye contact with this other woman across the room and you're like, damn, she's got it. Like, look at her. Whew, I don't even know what she has, but I want it and I want to order it. And more often than not, it's because that woman is giving two shits about you. She is not focused on you at all. She is so wrapped up in her own realm and her own deliciousness and she's so embodied and there's no performance.

Molly (28:55)

Yeah.

Molly Eames (28:58)

Like there's no performance at all. And so I like movement because don't care what you look like. Just follow the infinitely wise wisdom of your body and just start moving and just see how it feels and whatever is safe, you know, and make it big, make it small, get up on the ground, get up not scared, like whatever, and move the energy. There's nothing sexier than a woman who doesn't care.

There's nothing sexier than a woman who is not performing for you because she is just lit up by her own body. And that is a simple way of turn on your favorite fucking song. Don't care. Like put on some eye blinds or whatever and just move. It's so good. And if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I honor that. The first time I started doing this, like there is a younger version of self that hates me every time I say this because there's a younger version of me.

Molly (29:45)

Yeah.

Molly Eames (29:57)

that goes, fuck you, Molly, I hated that. Like that was me. I couldn't dance in front of people. I needed to have 17 tequilas and then I could be out on the dance floor. But no, that was like, I'm like, I get it. That was me. And now it's, oh, no, I don't really care. Like it feels good. This is how my body wants to move. And I trust her. And so I'm gonna move with it.

Molly (30:23)

Yeah, I fucking love that because I'm just thinking back to like my early, my college days and, um, as an athlete, like that's what we did to let loose, like to let go was dancing. And sometimes that would be dancing at the swim meet in a bathing suit. And most people would be like, I can't handle that. I can't believe you're dancing basically naked. I'd be like, I have been in this swimsuit for majority of my life. I probably wore in a swimsuit longer than I wore pajamas until my twenties.

So for me, like being able to move and basically almost be naked was totally fun and joking around and having a good time. And it wasn't until I got out of that space and was doing it on the dance floor, like in clubs or whatnot, clubs in Midwest sometimes aren't really clubs, but you know what I mean. And we're just dancing and we're having a good time. But as we get older, it's like, calm down. You don't need to do this, be this person, be that person. And we slowly tuck that.

Molly Eames (31:08)

Ha ha!

Molly (31:20)

dancing away, that movement that makes that energy, like you said, flow. And when I was going through, yeah, it's so great. It's very therapeutic and I think we don't do it enough. And when I was going through a really big divorce and honestly, I could barely still dance. I barely even wanted to. But right as I was really working through my self-discovery, there would be nights where I'm like, fuck this. I'm...

Molly Eames (31:27)

It's Ray.

Molly (31:48)

like not going out, I'm going to have my favorite drink or like a bottle of wine and my favorite music on and I'm going to sing and I'm going to dance all night long and I would and I would wake up and I'd feel so empowered and happy and the endorphins, everything that moves around even just scientifically is going to be another step on bringing that movement and getting that energy out of you to still then like release and be a powerful woman in a whole new.

new sense.

Molly Eames (32:19)

Yeah, I mean, there's so much power in play and pleasure. You know, so we really are putting a lot of conversation into play. And I think that's valuable because as women, as we age, play kind of as you pointed out, gets like, it's not as important. We're like, oh, how old are you? You shouldn't be doing that anymore. Like, ugh, no, I wanna be playful and act like I'm seven until I'm, you know, dead. But the other side of that is pleasure.

Molly (32:24)

Yes.

Hahaha!

Molly Eames (32:49)

And this is another activity. I think women so often think that in order to open myself up to more pleasure and like more sex, I have to do all of this work in sex. And actually, it's not about that. If you open yourself up to pleasure, and remember pleasure is not just sexual pleasure, pleasure is smelling your favorite scent, your favorite candle, smelling the fresh roses as you walk by somewhere.

Molly (32:49)

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Molly Eames (33:19)

It is, oh man, the first cup of coffee in the morning, that first sip that you're just like, yes, this is everything. Yeah, exactly, that is pleasure. Being in a warm shower, like remember the things that light you up and invite more of that into your life. Because the more we open ourselves and our pathway up to pleasure in all of her beautiful forms.

Molly (33:27)

I just got shivers.

Mm-hmm.

Molly Eames (33:49)

we're strengthening that connection. And so it's gonna be easier for us to connect with pleasure in a sexual sense, if we are connecting with pleasure in a non-sexual way. So, what?

Molly (33:59)

Yeah, that makes sense. And I like how you did smell too. Like there's a certain cologne that if my husband puts on, I'm like, oh, I know what you're thinking. Okay, well this is, and that's the same way with me. Like before the pandemic, I always wore perfume and I don't know why, but it just kind of like sucked it out of me. Like, what's the point of wearing it? And then now I'm like, okay, I'm going to get back into the habit of wearing it because now that I'm swimming more, I'm like chlorine or perfume. So it's not necessarily a perfume.

Molly Eames (34:08)

Totally.

Molly (34:29)

but it will be there if I don't put something else on. But now he will smell it and be like, oh, that's wonderful and that's great. So it's like brings back memories, it smells so important, but it's the same thing is taste. So finding something that like when you taste it and like makes you close your eyes, it could be Pad Thai, it could be a chocolate cake, whatever it is, and that drawing your interest and being present and enjoying that, you can even

Molly Eames (34:43)

Yes.

Yes.

Molly (34:59)

that with a date night. Like I'm just sitting here thinking of how you can connect all of these moments of pleasure then with someone else at the same time to help rise that level of pleasure.

Molly Eames (35:11)

Oh, absolutely. I mean, my gosh. Let's just walk it through. Could you imagine if you and your partner were like scheduling this surprise sexy night together, right? And you just decided to focus on play and pleasure. How much fun would that be? If it was just all about like, I'm gonna be goofy with my partner, we're gonna laugh, we're gonna play Jenga, we're gonna do this puzzle. And all of these...

parts of you that are like setting you up for the erotic and setting you up for this intimate moment, everything's getting chucked off. You're like, I'm having fun, I'm feeling good, I'm laughing, I'm open to this individual. Oh my gosh, I'm open to them and now they're touching my shoulder and I'm really turned on. This is awesome. And I'm into this and it's slowing down. That sounds like a really great fucking night. That sounds like something I would like to do a lot. And to be fair.

the intimacy that they're going to have at the end of that, whether it's just kissing or penetration is going to be 10 times better than if they hadn't done any of the foreplay ahead of time.

Molly (36:19)

Oh yeah. Like when they get into bed and be like, so hey, I was thinking and be like, you were thinking what? Because guess what? My brain is like, I'm not thinking shit, but going to sleep and my to-do list for tomorrow. So

Molly Eames (36:24)

Yeah.

Exactly. Many people know that you get into bed and then all of a sudden you feel that little something in the in the small of your back and you're like, seriously? Really? Right now? No. And I want to normalize. Yes, and I want to normalize women. It is okay to say no. Just because they're wanting it doesn't mean that we have to give it to them. Um.

Molly (36:47)

I love that you did that, that's great.

Molly Eames (36:57)

In fact, I am a huge proponent as women, we need to honor our no, our bodily no, as much as we honor our bodily yes. And so if you're not feeling it, it's probably not a great time to do it. And it's okay for you to say no and be like, hey boo, why don't we just make out tonight and make sure that you come back, you know? But you're not.

Molly (37:20)

Yeah, and I want to also hammer that home too, because it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or if you're married. You can, you say no whenever you want. And you know, if they feel upset about it, then it's like, hey, let's just work on a communication and get this built up because it's gonna take me a lot longer to be interested in sex than you, because yours is all of a sudden like, you know, maybe men do think about sex a whole lot more most of the time. And they're more, they're ready like in a few minutes notice depending on their health.

But you know, like for us, like you said, like women say stress and kids and all the other things that are on our mind and plate that we gotta do hypothetically, we need to make time to reconnect with ourselves. And so more than we do that, even if that's like meditating in the morning and journaling, but giving yourself the space to connect with self will then do the other thing, like lead you to having more connection with your partner, especially as you take some of these recommendations that Molly has shared about central sexuality and intimacy.

Molly Eames (38:20)

Well, I do want to put voice to the fact that the moment stress cortisol hits our brain, all of our basic functions go away. And so your access to your libido is literally non-existent. And I think it's a really important thing to talk about because for women, particularly, I find this more often in women, but when we're stressed, it's hard for us to connect. It's like, I don't want to go do that with you right now.

Molly (38:33)

and...

Molly Eames (38:49)

thinking about the to-do list and there's no time for me to be sexy and that is okay and it is okay to honor that and it's okay to say that out loud and it's also okay that if you when you feel stress you're like actually that's when I need that release that's totally normal too and I just don't think that there's enough voice to that space that yeah stress is a libido killer and it's okay

Molly (39:18)

Yeah, so then work on the stress and taking things off your plate.

Molly Eames (39:23)

Well, yeah, and self-care, you know? That's when we really talk about self-care and being able to know how to fill your cup up. And when you're not feeling sexual, knowing how to get yourself into the mood. You know, that's also a really important part of knowing your sexual self is knowing that like, what are my turn-ons and what are my turn-offs? Emily Nagowski has an awesome

activity, and come as you are for that, her accelerators and brakes worksheet. It's really powerful to know what are those things. And it's important to know that about your partner as well, so that you can kind of know, all right, so maybe they really need to be clean. Maybe that's a thing. Maybe the dishes need to be put away. Like, whatever those brakes and accelerators are, know what they are. It will make such a difference in your life.

Molly (40:16)

Oh, completely agree with that. You might have already answered this entire question, but how can we incorporate some sensuality basics to really amplify our excitement with ourselves and our-

Molly Eames (40:27)

Well, I think it's really important to know what you like and there are different ways of going about that. One of my favorite practices is pleasure mapping and vulva mapping and it's really taking the time. You can do this with a partner, but I prefer it the first time without one just so that it really takes some of the judgment away and just be with yourself.

Take your time, as we kind of talked about earlier, to like touch yourself. How would you like to be touched? Is it a light touch? Is it a hard touch? Do you like to be scratched? What is it like when you first start touching your vulva? How does that feel? How do you like to be touched down there? These are really important questions because if you don't know what you like, how in the world are you gonna tell your partner? You know, like it's important to know actually, baby, it's two centimeters to the left.

Molly (41:17)

Right?

Ha!

Molly Eames (41:22)

I actually don't really like the tapping thing. I'm more of a hold. You know, it's really important to know that. And so to take the time to self pleasure, to know what it feels like to get into that head space. I think that's really, really powerful. And you should be doing it at every age. Every five years, you should do it again and see what's changed and what's turned and how has it shifted.

And for those of you who are in partnered relationships, I think one of the best things that you can do to increase intimacy is to have regular check-ins. A regular check-in with your partner where you talk about where you are in your cycle, because that's really important, like understanding and connecting to your cycle and your bleed and understanding how your hormones change throughout that time is so valuable and so important.

Molly (42:02)

Hmm

Molly Eames (42:19)

And it's important for your partner to know because how we act and respond changes depending on where we are in our cycle. So connecting to talk about that, to talk about your schedules, to start planning some of those sexy times and some of those date nights and being really intentional with how you are showing up and how you are spending time together. And that's both whether you're in partnership or even if you're a solo gal, be intentional about the time you spend with yourself and about how you spend

time. Because that can be beautiful and super empowering.

Molly (42:50)

Yeah.

You know, you and I are gonna have to talk about this offline, but that is a really good thing that I never really know about, about checking in with your hormones and your cycle. I feel like that is such a huge thing that a lot of women that my friends who are very into that information are really educating me on about like, when is the best time to do X, Y, and Z during like during your cycle, everything from what you want to eat, how long you want to sleep.

Molly Eames (43:03)

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Molly (43:21)

working out, the types of working out, all of these things are so important based off our cycle. And I love that you were even saying, like planning date nights and moments of intimacy around that. So that it also brings excitement back to a relationship if for some reason you feel very disconnected from your partner with that stress that's going on and maybe he has stress and there's just so much, it's something to really look forward to and actually plan around.

and so that you can then really harness your relationship with your partner and continue to develop it and grow, grow together. So thank you for calling that out. That's such a unique way of planning things, but once again, what I love is that it brings the power back to us. So.

Molly Eames (44:07)

Totally. Oh my gosh, I think cycle thinking was probably one of the first biggest game changers in my own healing journey. It was definitely like reading the books and having a better like historical context for just women and sexual health, but also connecting. We don't talk about our bleed. I grew up in a very religious household that it was like, yeah, you're bleeding because women are bad.

and this is your consequence and this is what happens and that's crazy that's so insane and then it made me hate my cycle and be like oh this again you know but no our bleed is what makes us magical and it's our superpower and yeah leaning into that is such a game changer.

Molly (44:36)

Ah, yeah.

Right?

You know, and I love that you called that part out about our bleed is bad and whatnot. I didn't know until probably I was in high school that other mammals did the exact same thing. I didn't know dogs did it. Nothing, I was so sheltered in a sense. I wanna call it that, but like, I had no idea. I thought it was just humans and that's why women were bad. Like part of the reason why we were bad. So being able to realize these sort of things is just not.

Molly Eames (45:06)

Oh my goodness!

Yeah.

Molly (45:23)

based off of being human and religious, it's like all mammals do this, unless for some reason something happens with a mammal, Sorry, I'm thinking of spayed and neutered, like those things, unless that happens to a pet that you have, you will be dealing with this when your pet is going through that moment of being in heat and whatnot, and that's a wonderful thing because it brings birth, it also...

Molly Eames (45:33)

Yeah.

Molly (45:46)

changes the whole dynamics of the household. So, yeah, very interesting moment.

Molly Eames (45:50)

Yeah. And I mean, gosh, if we wanted to get really deep, we can talk about how every day we go through a million death and rebirth cycles. And that's literally all that's happening with our bleed is just another opportunity to be rebirthed.

Molly (46:05)

Hmm.

I like that.

Molly Eames (46:12)

Perhaps a conversation for another time.

Molly (46:12)

I'm serious. Yes, it will be, and who knows, maybe it'll be over coffee again. And then it'll be like, ooh, we gotta put that on the podcast. Okay.

Molly Eames (46:21)

I love it.

Molly (46:24)

So what do you want the ladies to know or take away from our conversation today?

Molly Eames (46:29)

So many things, but ultimately I really hope every woman out there who is listening to this recognizes and has some kind of sense that pleasure is your birthright. It is something that you are meant to experience. And

I just hope that changes how you look at things and how you want to show up in the world because you are so beautiful and so powerful and you can't be a powerful woman and be afraid of your pussy. You just have to have this relationship and connect with her. She's so beautiful and so powerful. And yeah, and just remembering that at everyone's core is a confident, seductive, intelligent, wild, and free woman. And I just wanna help you.

know that and explore that and have a good sense of that.

Molly (47:21)

Yeah, exactly. Okay, ladies, you have to go check out Molly, but Molly, before we head out, where can everyone find you and learn more about you, or even sign up for something that you have coming up?

Molly Eames (47:34)

Yeah, absolutely. So definitely come hang out with me on Instagram. My handle is molly.ames. Sign up for my email list. My email list is truly, they're my VIPs. They are the ones who get all of my juicy information first, and all kinds of like discounts on offerings. So join that. You will get my sacred start.

as part of a thank you for signing up to be part of my email list. And yeah, reach out to me. I have a website. You can find me there, mollyames.com. And I would love to know what you thought about this. Come be, let's be friends. Come hang out.

Molly (48:16)

Yes! Molly is really wonderful. I can say that for sure. I mean, what happens when you get two Molly's together? We don't know and we just did. So...

Molly Eames (48:23)

Hahaha! Okay, it's a lot of fun and I can't wait to do this again!

Molly (48:28)

Oh, I know. Or even like in a different way. Who knows what we're going to do next? I can only see how the future could unfold.

Molly Eames (48:36)

Amazing things when women gather and amazing things happen when mollies gather.

Molly (48:40)

Yes. Well, Molly, thank you so much for joining me. This was fantastic. And ladies, like you said, let us know what you think and yeah, give her a follow. Join our email list.