How often do you ask yourself, "Why is it so difficult to make new friends as an adult?!"

Not only have I heard this from clients as they’re reinventing their love lives, but both my guest and I are living this right now!

My guest describes herself as a recovering risk-avoidant scaredy cat. Through her own journey of personal development, Amanda McPherson became a trained therapist, leadership coach, and motivational speaker.

Her passion is helping individuals reach their highest potential both in their personal and professional lives. And that includes helping her clients create and develop new friendships as adults.

Listen in to hear practical advice that sounds pretty similar to finding true love!

Learn more about Amanda McPherson:

Follow her on Instagram ⁠@girlgetyourrootsdone⁠

⁠https://amandamcpherson.net/⁠

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As a trained therapist, leadership coach, and motivational speaker, Amanda has been named as one of Austin’s Best Life Coaches by Expertise.com for the past 5 years. She has also been featured on local stations and published in several online journals. But she wasn’t always living her dream life!

Amanda found herself lacking the confidence to be her authentic self. She decided in her mid-30’s to make a change in her personal development journey by earning her counselling degree after a full day of work, which lead her to coaching certification. Now she helps her clients play big in numerous areas of their lives!

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TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE

Molly Connolly (00:00.91)

Why hello there lady. Welcome back to the reinventing the arena podcast. Today I have a guest who describes herself as recovering risk avoidance, scaredy cat through her own journey of personal development. Amanda McPherson became a trained therapist, leadership coach, and a motivational speaker. Her passion is helping individuals reach their highest potential in both their personal and professional lives. Welcome to the show, Amanda. Thank you, Molly. I'm excited to be here. Thank you.

It is going to be a great episode. Like I mentioned to you before we started recording, there's a lot of ladies that have been reaching out to me telling it's something they're going through. And what I love in order to get us started is how your personal journey, as I recently explained, includes those three areas that work so well together, therapy, coaching, motivational speaking. Can you share how you got started on that for your personal development journey? Sure, Molly. Yeah, I think.

probably like a lot of us in this line of work, I was trying to figure out the ever for plaguing question is how am I gonna be happy in my life? What is going to fulfill me? What is my purpose? Those types of questions. And I, in a speech the other day I mentioned, I think I was thinking about this, I know I was thinking about this stuff even from my early teenage years, really struggling to think, what is...

Why did they seem so at peace and so confident and so happy? And I struggled to find that. So it's really my journey of trying to find out the answers to that question. What is going to make me happy? And so I was in a totally different career for well over a decade. That was a fine job. I mean, it was, I made a good living. My dad was proud to tell people what I did. It was sort of prestigious looking role from the outside, but I

I always knew what really made me tick and what I was really interested in was what created, you know, how people became who they who they were and get how they could become happier or more fulfilled. So eventually I went back to school while I was working full time. I just say that because I want people to know there are ways to make this happen. If you feel like you're not ready just to leap and take a vow of poverty or whatever to go after your passion.

Molly Connolly (02:21.23)

I worked a full -time job, went to school at night, got my master's degree in counseling, then eventually decided coaching was more of the fit for me for a variety of reasons. I like the idea of it being.

and not that therapy can't be, but it's empowering, it's forward moving. And really for me, coaching is what made me from what I call just a really self -aware young woman who could talk about her issues forever to someone who truly did things differently, changed my career, started dating differently.

right, Molly, started showing up in this world differently. While therapy was great, I think to maybe get me to where I was open to that or help me understand some things about my past, coaching was so powerful that I just really became on fire about it. And I've always been a bit of a weirdo that I love speaking in front of people. You said it in my bio, I am.

I was so afraid, but for some weird reason, standing in front of a bunch of people and talking and performing wasn't one of them. It's an area where I get a thrill and feel a lot of energy. So I do do speaking a lot of it. I just spoke to 700 college age girls the other day, which is to me such a.

Well, women were always trying to figure out so many things about life, right? It's never quite kind of easy in some ways, but what a formative time of life. So I have a real soft spot in my heart for women sort of at that stage, really trying to figure out who they are, how they want to show up in this world, what they value. So that may have been a longer answer than you were looking for, but yeah. No, that's great because like it just shows, especially I love the difference between therapy and coaching. A lot of people kind of get hung up on that.

Molly Connolly (04:13.934)

And the easiest way is always to say, well, therapy goes backwards. Coaching goes forwards. But, you know, in coaching, we kind of go backwards a little bit, but you're so right. You become so self -aware when you do therapy, but it's not always like, Hey, here's your next step. I also went through therapy, not for personal reasons, but not for development for my business. So definitely was the one that really helped accelerate that for me. Yeah. It was the thing that, you know,

my French, but really made me think maybe I do have an inner badass in me, you know, where that's what coaching did. Whereas therapy was cathartic and wonderful to have someone to talk to. And I value that there's a time and place for that, but channel that inner badass. Well, yeah. And like you said, being able to stand up in front of people and speak when I first started this podcast, I mean, just by myself, I couldn't even handle the idea of hearing my own voice alone.

asking someone to come on here and talk with me. I was like so scared the first few people I interviewed and they were people I knew. So after a while you just practice, you get better at it. But you saying right away something you could easily do. I am very envious and I can only imagine how many people listening feel the same way. Well, it's so weird. Again, like I said, there's a lot of things you probably do that you that would cause me nervousness and anxiety, but

Yeah, I was a theater nerd growing up and saying, and so, you know, it kind of started from a young age that. that's fantastic. Thank you. Well, and another thing about your story and it just, it's beautiful. Honestly, when I was doing a little bit more research on you, hearing about your story and your personal side, you know, I'm divorced. I was divorced actually before the age of 30 and I tried online dating and real life dating.

but I didn't meet my current husband until about the world shutdown. So I was about 37, 38, and we married two years later. And what I loved was how you focused on when you were single, becoming more of yourself and really before you found a husband, which was finding more of a, like almost just cultivating that nurturing friend group. Can you share how you came to that realization was what you needed?

Molly Connolly (06:31.246)

You know, I, I'll be honest that a lot of my energy for a long time was spent on finding this man, this, this Prince charming that was going to rescue me from life. Really. And I know it's 2023 and that's not a very empowered Barbie, you know, thing to say, right. But, but I'm sorry. And I know you probably know this too, Molly. There's still a lot of that. I have young women that still feel like that is the thing.

this black cloud right over them. So I get that. I want to say that I get that. And from a very young age, it was boyfriends and boy craziness. And, and I, you know, I think it, it kind of, it kind of came in hand in hand with my career change, to be completely honest. So that was in my early thirties where I was like, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. Right. And he, Mike, my continued looking at this man to answer all my

life problems or save me from having to do things on my own. And, you know, I just, that wasn't happening. And I thought while I had friendships before, I'll be honest, it was a lot of focused on men. Right. And I think that that switch happened for me is like, you've got to get, not that I ever gave up hope, which we can talk about. I did end up finding someone and I'm very happily married, but I, and it did come, came at even a later age for me.

But it was this realization that you need to be okay, even if this never happens for you. I think that's so important. It's not about giving it up. It's just about knowing you will be okay. You are whole and you need a purposeful, happy life. So friendships became even more, they were always part of my life, but maybe on a little more surface level until I realized this is

I have all these people that really want to, that are so full of love and support and my nurturing those as much as I'm worrying about some dude and whether he's calling me or not, right? So I, so I really, you know, I think that, and I say this too, but kind of came at the time I changed careers because then I was also meeting like -minded people. I was in my master's program getting my counseling degree and

Molly Connolly (08:57.486)

I had a lot of, you know, we tended to be sort of birds of a feather flock together. So we tended to have a lot in common when I got into my coaching world, I met people that shared values and shared wanting to look toward the positive in the future. Not that I let, you know, I definitely have friends that I've had for 30 years or more, but I think that the more you get aligned period rate in your life,

your career, your life purpose, where you're hanging out. Of course, you're just gonna meet people that are really a deeper sort of type of friendship. Right, and that connection is so much more long lasting. And I always feel like for women, and maybe you can relate to, for me, I don't have any kids. I don't either. Yeah, my friend, yeah, so then you know how it can be where all of a sudden your friends have kids and...

things get on their plate and that friendship kind of starts to fizzle out unless there is something else that holds it together really substantially. I'm so glad you said that. I know what you mean, but I have a, it's not that you can't have amazing friends that are with your single that are married or have kids, but I just like to be realistic. It's just not going to be the same. First of all, if they're, you know, as a single woman,

I know that I felt more okay in this world and less alone, because I had a pack of women that were in the same exact boat as me. And I do think that's important. And I tell my single clients, as I'm sure you do too, I say, it is one of the things that comes with being single is that you'll probably need to keep putting energy and keep cultivating those friendships. Whereas,

I know a couple of people need them too, but let's be honest, you've got your built -in Friday night movie watcher. You've got your someone to go to dinner with. It's just different. So it's not about dumping all those other friends, but I do think having friends that are in your same stage of life is huge. And you have to, I worked at that. I did have friends. I had many friends who I thought were cool, smart, interesting, and they were also single. So I didn't feel so

Molly Connolly (11:14.638)

out of it or, you know, the weird one, the odd one out. Yeah. Or the one that was constantly trying to be set up by all her friends who have boyfriends or husbands and all that. Like I went through that phase. It was so annoying. And I did cultivate a group of, you know, single men and women where we were just friends and nothing would happen otherwise, but it was so much more fun. And it would allow those moments of being like, we can all go out together. And then if we want to go to the friend that has their kids' fourth birthday party, we can, and we can leave too.

It was a, it's a whole different sort of responsibility and freedoms that are different than others. So it is, it's just is, and it's nothing against the married friends or the friends with kids or whatever, you know, you started cultivating these friendships. What were you really looking for in those friendships? Someone who's reliable and consistent is really important to me. Maybe other people can handle it. Maybe it's my stuff, but I like, you know, if, if we're going to

spend time together or we make a plan, too much flakiness, that's not gonna work for me. That affects me, I care. And I put a lot into my friendships. I feel like I do invest a lot of time and energy. So that reciprocal level of that is huge to me. So of course then we have to have a lot of fun together, a lot of laughter.

I would say shared values and yeah, when I was in high school, I was on the like prissy girls dance team and I went to prom with a guy who was wearing makeup, who was, you know, a gag, you know, like I've always kind of had this eclectic group. So I wouldn't say they're, they're cookie cutter, but what they have in common is, you know, they're there. I call them safe friends. They're people I feel like I can be myself around. They're people who I feel like that they do.

Follow through. They are someone that, you know, we rely on each other and we can count on each other. We're somebody who we can be imperfect or mess up and it doesn't ruin the friendship. and fun is one of my top values. So we can have a lot of fun. That's fantastic. And like when you were thinking even, about how diversified like of how people are, it's so wonderful that you were able to show up authentically with those friendships.

Molly Connolly (13:39.502)

I think that's one thing that sometimes as we get older and try to cultivate adult friendships that sometimes we put on a mask for a little bit because we don't want to be open and vulnerable because if we are and this person ends up flaking us, we just wasted that like emotional part of ourselves. I know it's happening to me, it sounds like it's probably happened to you. Have you ever coached women around that part of the friendship of like trying to open up and be vulnerable in order to gain that trust for a new friend?

I definitely, you know, if we haven't already said this, right, when a very much normalized just in general, if you're feeling like, my God, I don't kind of embarrassed to say it. I don't have friends right now. You know, I, I'm feeling a bit friendless or I'm not where I'd like to be in that. I want to normalize that. So as you mentioned, Molly, you have many women that bring that up. I have men and women that bring that up to me. So I just.

what I think it's sort of this little secret that people, you know, people will talk about, I want to find a mate or whatever, but it's a little more vulnerable to say, I need friends, right? That's supposed to come easy. And so I think I first thing is just, it doesn't necessarily come easy. The older we get, I know, you know, people would say that all the time. I was like, whatever, you know, I don't believe that the older we get, the harder it is, but.

you're not in those situations, right? You're no longer at college or maybe you don't work in an environment where everybody goes out for happy hour, every, you know, after work. So, you know, I think the first piece of vulnerability is literally realizing that you're going to have to probably work at it and put yourself out there. And that doesn't make you weird. And that doesn't mean something's wrong. And when I moved to, I live in California now.

but I lived in Austin, Texas for quite some time. And when I first moved to Austin, I met a couple of women that I really liked, you know, just people that I kind of sparked that kind of, I'd like to be her friend. And they had lived there longer. So they already had an established friend group. They already had people they knew. And, you know, I don't, thankfully, I guess I had done enough work on myself or something that I was willing to put myself out there a bit more.

Molly Connolly (15:53.806)

I knew I would probably need to invite them and, and, and reach out to them, not because they didn't like me necessarily, but just because I wasn't top of mind. They already had their little crew. I didn't. So I think stretching yourself a little bit there, if, if you're well, you know, that that's, that's just, again, it's just a reality or not. People could really, really like you, but if they've kind of got an established routine and established friend group, so that is to me, one of the biggest,

I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's a good thing to do. I think it's

I've been so heads down my business that growing friends, like getting that friendship group here hasn't been a little bit more difficult than reaching out and meeting other coaches online and other people that I can, you know, just network and meet online for some reason. It's just, it's just fascinating. But like you said, it does take more effort. And I, personally, I forget, you know, and I think all of us have been there too. Like we're even when someone's like judging us or thinks something happened, like

they're not constantly thinking about that moment. So it's going to also be hard to keep that person that you're trying to make friends with top of mind, have you be top of mind with them when they already have that foundation of their routine, their lifestyle, everything already set. But that doesn't mean you can't, you know, put yourself a little bit more out there and reach out to, you know, go get coffee in two weeks or what. Right. Right. And before you know it, you know, when I think back to those women in Austin, I mean,

Couple of them, they became good friends of mine, but they it took it took a little more of me. I say courting them, you know, and that's what it felt like a little bit. They weren't now again. It's not that you keep doing that if you're not getting anything back that that's the not not somebody who and again to not take it personally so much like dating. It is timing to you know, maybe that they just don't have the.

Molly Connolly (18:19.374)

energy or the bandwidth or the desire to expand their friend group. And that's okay. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or something. Yeah. A lot like dating compatibility is about, are you, are you both looking for the same thing? Do you want a new friend? Do you want, and I think it's important to know that too, that your friendship has,

It's compatibility, it's chemistry, it's timing. Sounds a lot like something else, right? You know, you're not just going to make friends with every person you meet. There's going to be a lot that are just like, they're nice, but whatever it was, we just, it just didn't take off. And that's okay. That's, that is part of the process, especially when we get older and we're not just looking for warm bodies to go out with.

and get cute and dressed up, you know, and go to the bars or whatever it was, you know, that now we're looking for somebody that we can sit and have a long coffee conversation with. Those aren't everybody. Right. Exactly. Those friendships, like you mentioned, very situational timing of their life. Like you said, college going out, that's what a lot of us did. And so you, you know, morph into corporate world. And I kind of almost think friendships as that, like when you go into work,

not every single coworker is your favorite. Not every single person can do what like no one can always present and be a speaker. Some people like to do the behind the scenes. And so that's the same thing with friendships. You end up working with people that may be having the same sort of values and those friendships. So like, I'm just thinking of ones I've had in the corporate setting. Those ended up being either acquaintances or became really good friends because we either worked on something similar and we were able to pull that out.

meet each other in their personal lives and really cultivate friendships on other sort of topics and, areas being really cool. So. Yeah, but it took writing. It took a little time. It took a little effort. And like you said, not everybody was a fit. It is not judgment. It's just for whatever reason there's, I believe there's conversational friendships, sort of chemistry and sometimes it just doesn't, doesn't click. yeah. And so when you think about.

Molly Connolly (20:31.79)

when you were, especially now, like you said, you're in the trenches of doing it. What do you think is the biggest challenge to creating adult friendships? Well, I am, just to be clear, I was telling Molly before this started airing, I moved to a new state as well, a new state, new city, totally left.

My friendships that I'd worked so hard to create. And so while I have some great friendships, they're not geographically desirable right now. They are not where I live. And so, I mean, I've, I've gone through the app, the Bumble friendship making app. I mean, after all my dating, I thought seriously, I have to go online again. You know, this is not my plan, but,

Never would I have thought I would do that. I told, I'll just tell you the truth. I told clients to do it, but I never thought I would do it right. And now I'm there. Swiping right and left on friendship potentials. And I think the same things we're talking about runs true as far as, you know, I have, you know, let's say I've met one, a few people, the one that really seems to be taking off more around my age, no children.

married, but no children. She has the time. She has the energy. Her weekends look different than other people I've met who are great, but their weekends are at the soccer fields and the swim lessons and the, you know, it's pretty eaten up. So, you know, finding that person that just is sort of in the same stage of life, I think is important. And then, you know,

Same thing. I mean, if you know, a joke, I was like, my God, it's like I'm going on a date again. I'd walk away kind of going, I think we both had a good time. my gosh. It was so reminiscent. And sometimes you kind of walked away going, I don't think we talked again, you know, but like, you know, with the one particular friend that's sort of taking off, I also was willing to

Molly Connolly (22:37.294)

reach out and, you know, ask, you know, again, and, and, and so was she. And, and so, I mean, I think that, that vulnerability, because it is a weird, it's a kind of dance, you know, your first, it's important. And let's see, what was the other, was there another part of the question or? I just think about like the biggest challenges. I think that - the challenges. Yeah.

Go ahead, sorry. I was gonna say time. Even I find myself, even though I'm really enjoying this, this gal that I met, she's out of town for a week for something, then I'm out of town for five days, and then, my husband and I are gonna go on this little trip. And then, so I mean, it can be several weeks sometimes, or we can't. Is that remaining true to you too? Totally.

I same situation where it's like, let's try to plan something. one of my friends that lives here and we're trying to look at something for October and it's just like, okay, let's try November like already. So, that was last week when it was still the end of September. So, it gets tough. And when you're an adult, like sometimes what, what's interesting, like, for example, my husband's an engineer and so he travels quite a bit sometimes to do work. And so if I'm like, well, we have a date set up with.

you know, this other couple, he tries his hardest to work around it. But if he can't, he's like, I am so sorry. Like he feels horrible because he knows how long it took to even get that plan. Right. Right. Or, you know, in my case, I'm married to a man who his downtime, his, that his idea of a good time is not to go meet strangers and talk to them. He wants to chill out and be quiet. And, you know, and I'm like, my gosh, I need this, this interaction.

And so I think you are, depending on where you are, single, if you're a couple, then you are having to sort of think about this other person, right? And what they're gonna be up for, what the schedule is. But the time thing, but I'll just give an example, because since I'm in the trenches really working on this right now. So this woman that I've mentioned several times that I'd met on Bumble, we've hung out now three or four times and she's traveling right now and so am I, but I just shoot her, I shot her a text the other day.

Molly Connolly (24:57.71)

let's not wait till November until I reach out to her again. That's what friends do, right? Hey, how are your travels going? How's the weather there? You know, whatever, right? And so I think trying to put that intention behind it, even if you are busy. And I'm not a spring chicken. It's also like the challenge is time and just tiredness, like general energy level, right? It gets to be the end of the week and.

And this is what I say about the friendship thing for me. Connection is one of, I've identified through coaching, what's my top three values and connection and fun, I've already mentioned too. But connection is really important to me. And I get it through what I do for a living or through my husband, but it's not the same as girlfriends. And so I always say this, like,

You know, I, I can kind of push it aside for that week because I'm tired or pushing aside for another week, push it aside. And then you look up though, in six months have gone by and you haven't made a friend and then you look up and a year it's the cumulative impact for me. Right. So if you're sitting there kind of going, yeah, I always like just, I'm just too tired. I get it. You just kind of keep kicking that can down the road. Cause maybe you're not miserable. Like, you know, lonely, but are you, when you look up and.

realize really you don't have that. And the only way it's going to get there is if you do put in some energy and some time towards it. Yeah. You just made me realize how much like, so I have a friend from back home in Omaha, Nebraska. And so she and I started this communication effort via text, where we would video until our iPhone was like, we're full of storage. we would video chat.

each other every day. And that got to be a habit that we started in, let's see, May. And we do it now all the time. And I haven't physically seen her since May, but I get, I taught, we talked, you know, even like maybe through Voxer and doing voice chat that way back and forth every once in a while. And we know each other's busy, but then it's like, I have this idea, or I have this thing I want to run by you, or like, does this dress look horrible? Like all these things normally couldn't get.

Molly Connolly (27:19.342)

That's a great idea. As an adult right now as a woman, but like maybe that'd be something that you had when you lived in the college dorm and you had a friend, right? That you were. Right. Or come over, let me pick out my date outfit with me or whatever. That's awesome. I love that y 'all have done that. And it's hard to get there though, because it wasn't something we both really, really were thinking that we needed, but it has really worked out really well. It's more or less to like developing the ones after you move.

when you are cultivating a new French cultivating new friendships in a certain location seems to be like, you know, like you said, just having to be open and vulnerable and willing to put yourself out there. There's practical tips like, well, first of all, you can get on the, you know, if you're somebody out there who's saying, okay, you know, I really, yes, I have good friends, but I don't want to have to get on a plane to go see them or a video call. I want, I want to eventually have, and I always say all you need is one or two.

Really even just one, right? Like you don't need 15 new friends. You need one or two. So that's good news. But if you're sitting there and you're thinking, this is something I want, try the Bumble app. I've been amazed how many people are using it for the friendship and the awesome women that are on there. So people are on there. And you first, and if you know they're looking for friendship also.

Right. You don't have to guess if they're on that thing, they're also hungry for some friendship. So that's sort of a nice thing to know. Right. Whereas if you're in other environments, you kind of don't know, like, you know, is it going to be weird if I say, do you want to go have lunch or. But I think that like I go to a really small fitness studio where it's not one of the big massive places.

And so therefore I have gotten to know a few of the women there. Now we're not quite where we're hanging out outside of that yet, but I could see that happening because we're getting to know each other. We're talking about our dogs and our whatever. And so there are, and then I joined as a entrepreneur. I feel like we sort of were lucky in this way in that they're, at least in my area, there's a lot of women's entrepreneurial groups or women in business.

Molly Connolly (29:36.142)

I plugged into that. And again, all you need is one or two. You don't have to love everyone in the group and you don't even have to keep going. Go there to find somebody that you can pick off, right? And make your friend meet up groups. I'll just be completely honest. There's not a lot in my area that I've looked that, but that's always something that I look into. I think small, if you're into fitness, those smaller sort of boot camps or things that are, have a kind of a community built in, I think is a nice way as well. So there are tactical,

like places you can try to put yourself as well. Yeah, I agree with that 100%. There are a lot of different meetup groups here for me, but at the same time, not all of them are ones that I want to join. But you know, that also reminds me too, when you start to get into these groups, you have to remind yourself of the challenge of time. And I feel like one of the ladies that I have coached recently, she was talking about how, you know, her husband loves to travel.

And they put all these trips on the calendar. And next thing you know, there's no room for friends. Even though she made like maybe a handful of new friends and she's like, well, what am I going to see so -and -so because now we have this trip planned and basically you have your whole summer. She basically had her whole summer planned. So didn't make any room for it. So it's also kind of, if you are married or in a committed relationship, it's having that conversation being like, I love you and everything. I want friends. So we need to make space for that. Right. absolutely.

Yeah, my husband knows that it is crucial to my wellbeing. And he knows he can't be everything that I need when it comes to the connection piece. And so because of just who he is and major introvert and the way he likes to recharge, that means I will go do a lot without him. And he'll probably honestly love having total control of the remote and getting to chill out.

and not having to engage. But yeah, having that honest conversation and, and yeah, you know, it's, if it's something you want, you got to make time for it. Just like you would if you want to exercise or you want to, you know, build your business or whatever. It doesn't just come, you know, sit next to you and, and happen for you. You do have to. Yeah. It's not like we're in second grade again and we're actually advertised and how we sit and that's how we can make our best friend.

Molly Connolly (32:02.542)

You know, that's right, Molly. That's great. That's right. That's right. Unfortunately not. No. my gosh. Now I have another question with, you know, when we make friends and we have those issues of like, what are some of our challenges are, what do you think are ways that we self sabotage ourselves in making new friendships or even like keeping long -term friends as adults? Well, I know, you know, what I, I hear sometimes from my clients with either newer friends or either those long

term ones, it's maybe something starting to bother them or rub them the wrong way about the friendship. And they want to just burn it down. They want to just be done with it. Instead of having maybe an awkward, uncomfortable, honest conversation about something. We get our feelings hurt or we're thinking somebody's not as

invested anymore or whatever it may be. And I get it again, we're so used to talking about having honest, vulnerable, weird, uncomfortable conversations with dating and partnership. But I was telling a client the other day, she was talking about a friendship that's been in her life for over 20 years. And I said, just like a relationship, romantic relationship for 20 years.

It might require some tweaking, some uncomfortable conversations, but we're just so used to thinking friendships are supposed to always be 10 out of 10. They're always the same person. They're always a tune. And listen, it's hard. I get it. It's awkward and it's hard. But I think if we can start to normalize that again, good friendships, safe friendships, you can say, I'm really feeling

kind of off or, you know, this, this kind of hurt my feelings and, and talk, talk it through. So I think sometimes it would be self sabotaged by boom, you know, friendships are supposed to always be easy, always be perfect. And so I'm out, you know, or that's no, that's something I don't want to be friends with anymore. That's really the main one I see is not being able to be in that middle kind of gray area of exploring, is there a way to make this better? Just deciding.

Molly Connolly (34:23.469)

It's not, it's not gonna, you know, it's not gonna, not gonna be a fit. Yeah, that I've seen that I've done that in the past. So I completely know what you're talking about. Me too, me too. Yeah. I think it's, it's pretty normal and natural out there. You know, you ask a lot of people like, how's so -and -so doing? And they're like, well, we kind of just had this thing and we just sort of quit talking. And you know, it's, it's, and you, they never really, you know, it probably could have been saved great or something, but we.

I just think it hasn't been normalized that we do that with maybe our boyfriends or girlfriends or. Hey, what's up? I didn't, I hurt my feelings or I didn't like that, but we don't do that with our friends. And I think we can, I think we need to give them a little more credit that they have that. Yeah. And then like what I do too, or have seen actually, even like when people have shut off or pushed the friendship away hypothetically because of time. And then they.

rekindle the friendship. It's just like old things and there's that reminiscent and they're very happy and then the same problem shows up again. And then it's just like this almost like a wave pattern where their friendship goes up and down so often that they're finally just comfortable with settling and letting it sit as is. And I like how you brought up like perfectionism that there's, you know, hypothetically relationships supposed to be easy, which means that they're perfect. But

not every relation, nothing is ever perfect. So you're always working for those. And I, you know, again, when I have a friend, when I have, excuse me, when I have a client who's sort of struggling with a friendship, you know, we talk about, you know, is this the kind of friend that you want to work?

toward keeping or has it always been a friendship that didn't really, if you think about it, has it always felt unbalanced or not really like it was good for you and you had to felt like you had to be on eggshells? Well, then that's maybe you just getting hopes to a healthier place where you don't want that in your life. But if it, I go back to the word safe, if it really feels like a safe friend, somebody that's really been a good to you and for you and somebody that you, there's enough there, I think we got to have some

Molly Connolly (36:36.206)

some grace, you know, I've had friends that have gone through difficult times, maybe newly divorced, whatever it is, and they're, the way they're handling it causes a bit of a schism between us, you know, and just trying to kind of think, well, you know, I value this person enough that I can kind of be grace -filled there and see if it evens out and not take it personally.

So much of what we do, right? So much of our suffering comes from taking it personally. Exactly. Especially when someone's going through something as big as getting a divorce. Yeah. The behavior definitely changes. Speaking from my personal experience. Some, right? And he handles it differently, but you know, some people go crazy. A lot of people, you know, retreat and don't want to talk, you know, every bit.

you know, to really realize that that doesn't mean they don't love you and care about you. It's just sometimes there's a season where they're just not able to be a very present friend for you. And what I would also say to that, I could talk so much about, I've had that, I've been hurt by friends. You know, I've been in that situation where I felt neglected or, you know, that they were no longer at the level of friendship that I wanted. And I had to then,

think, well, what's in my control? Well, maybe I need to not look to that person for that as much anymore. They're just, they're not able to be my number one phone caller that always available. So where maybe else can I get that? Instead of just being angry and resentful and upset that, that that's not what they can be for you anymore. That makes a lot of sense. I think that a lot of people listening could relate to that for sure.

Yeah, I've been on, I've probably done it without even knowing. Maybe I've been on the other end, but I know I've had times where I had my feelings really hurt because, you know, I felt like the dynamic changed and I didn't feel as important or prioritized. And there's a tendency to want to be like, that hurts. So we're done. You know, like never, yep, that person's not my friend anymore. And it's, well, maybe he just can't be what they've been. And you kind of need to accept a little bit of that and not look.

Molly Connolly (38:56.142)

for that in that person for a while. Yeah, maybe have their own growing to do too. So everybody does. Yeah. Yeah. So I wanted to ask my audience, I asked my audience on Instagram about, you know, what questions do they have about adult friendships, making them, keeping them, everything. And so I have three unique questions to ask you. And one of the questions I'm going to be honest, and it might be this first one.

is very relatable to what you might've said as self -sabotage, but we can discuss that again. So she asked, after 36 years, I realized I'm in a one -sided relationship with my best friend. Every time we get together, I think it will be different, yet it isn't, and I get disappointed. I put a lot into the relationship, but for my best friend, it seems like it's a friendship based off of convenience. What can I do and why am I stuck in this pattern?

Yes, I've kind of covered a bit, but to answer this directly, I first would get really honest about has this has this always been the dynamic and you you because of who you were, who were this list, you know, person is the ask the question because of who you who you were at the time you allowed it and you you fed into that dynamic where you were always just the helper. You're always the one listening and you didn't really, you know, advocate for that time.

for you to talk and for you to share or has something changed? To me, that's important. It could be that this follower of yours has changed, right? And she now wants a different kind of friendship. So then you gotta, it's always looking here and saying, have I changed? Is what I want changed? So I think that would be important for me to know. And then again, if it's somebody you think is truly,

the friendship is rooted in really a deep connection and there's like, then maybe it is worth that awkward hard conversation. The other option would be, I find this when I was dating, I always been to say this, they never asked me anything about me. They never asked me anything about me. Did you ever? yes. Very much so. I was like, we're done after dinner is over. Yeah. It was always, and I, I listen, I think that was true. Like some men just were not good at that.

Molly Connolly (41:14.606)

I also think I filled, I asked them so much about them. I put the spotlight on them because I'm good at that. And I didn't always take the initiative to just talk about myself or, you know, and it's a, it's a nuanced thing. I mean, I get it. They should ask some questions, but you know, I was with a friend recently who is just right now at a time where I do feel like a lot of it's about her and dinner was going on and I was thinking,

I haven't shared some of the exciting things that I've got going on. So I just, in a lull, I just said, well, I'm really excited about what I have coming on. And then she had a great response, but I had to sort of insert myself there. So I would tell this person, you've got to first look at, like, do you really think this person's selfish? I mean, if you really do and you have, then maybe it's just not gonna be your best friend anymore. We do outgrow.

And I was before I got on this call with you, I was thinking, you know, I've always heard every seven years. Have you heard that money that every seven years we sort of change our friend group or it anyway, I've always kind of heard that anecdotally. It's funny that you say that, but I would say mine is definitely between five and seven. Yeah, it is. And I sort of just poked around real quickly and there are some studies, you know, that, that point to.

to that, but I guess whether it's seven years, five years, whatever, do it is normal to change and to have some people kind of fall off and new ones come on. So sometimes we are really there more because of history than connection, than real connection. And that doesn't mean you have to like have a big breakup. It just means that you need to go get your needs met.

And maybe you need to start investing your time in different friends or making new friends if that's important to you. Yeah. I love how you gave all those options and I cannot wait for her to listen to this episode. Okay. The next one, my partner and I have decided not to have children, which has caused some issues in our friendship circles. Okay. This might be very similar to what we've already discussed for him. It's only scheduling issues, when to meet up with his friends, but for me it's different.

Molly Connolly (43:39.246)

I'm rarely invited to things because all my friends' lives are focused around their children, their kids' sports, birthday parties, family get togethers. When we do get together, that's all I hear about is the kids. And I never hear anything about her. What can I do to get my friend back so we can enjoy time together? Hmm, man. Tough one. That's one I get, right? You'd probably do too, Molly, is not having the kiddos.

No, first of all, I do have some friends who have kids and like they hardly ever mentioned their kids. And I mean, you know, whether that's good or bad, like it's, it's fun. Cause we don't talk about, you know, I mean, again, I'm willing to hear a few updates, but I don't, that's not why I'm, you know, hanging out, right? I, I wonder about the person. So they do exist. And then there are some people who their identity becomes their children. And that, that is that there's just two different types of parents out there, moms, but parents out there. So.

I guess I'd say the awkward conversation is not, is the first grade is an option. It sounds like she really likes this friend. What can I do to keep this friend? It sounds like she really wants to keep this friend. So the, the like, I love hearing about your kids, but you know, what's going on with you? And truth is she may not know. And she may have gotten a bit lost and what a cool friend you could be to maybe help her.

have some identity outside of her kids. Now she may or may not want to, but you may be the only person that says, but I'm curious about you or what are you happy? What are you interested in? Is this even just the honest conversation? Like, are you happy? Some moms feel like they have to sound like it's the best thing that's ever happened to them and not admit that it is, but it's also really hard. Right? So there's the...

there's the calling out the elephant in the room, however you want to call it out, right? There's that option. And then I would tell this lovely person also put some energy toward making some friends that are in the same stage of life. Yeah, totally. You've already covered that for sure in the beginning. And yeah, I could definitely see that for this person. And it's so sweet that they ask, like, what can I do to get my friend back? I know, it makes me, yeah.

Molly Connolly (45:58.862)

Wonderful to pull that out of her. And I like how you said that too, that the thing that sometimes we don't even notice is how much our identity can get wrapped into things. And especially as adults getting wrapped into other people, our identity. So that was a great call out to be honest. Yeah, it's just, it's, I know I have clients who don't really know who they are outside of their children. And some may want to face that and some may not.

but I think it's a really cool gift to, and then I would also say plan a, again, and sort of location and where you are and setting makes a difference. So could you go away for a night? Cause you're probably gonna get a different version than at lunch with the kids playing at the Playscape, you know, at a children friendly restaurant. That's probably gonna be a different version of your friend than if you could go spend a night somewhere and have.

she could truly feel more freedom. Yep. I totally agree. Okay. Number three, this one definitely is you and me right now. Okay. I moved across the country. Well, the beginning is I moved across the country two years ago for a man I was dating. So we moved. Yeah. I found a job. We settled down, got engaged, but eventually broke it off because I spent most of my time working.

And with him, I don't have very many friends. How do I make friends when living in some new environment? I feel like you did cover this so well with the Bumble and whatnot. Is there anything else that you think we need to add to this one?

No girl, I would just say be brave. And, and I know it's, I know it's, it's not easy. I always, you know, when I, my clients that are single in a new city, what do they do? They immediately start dating. Well, for a variety of reasons, but somewhat, cause that's very normalized to get on a dating app and go on dates. That's, that's normalized. Like, of course you're going to do that. And you can be new to town and that fills your time and gets you to meet people.

Molly Connolly (48:04.782)

And so it's, it's, it's a more awkward dance. It's a more awkward sort of putting yourself out there to make friends. You know, Bumble App was an awkward move for me. I did not, but that you'll be surprised you're not alone. You know, and, and how many people are in that same boat. So if I think it's, it's truly kind of more of a, a mindset thing of getting over that that's weird or awkward or somehow, how would you have friends there? How would you like,

Like, no, of course you don't. It's not because you've done anything wrong or there's anything wrong with you. It's circumstantial. But it is up to you to get what you need, you know? Yeah, wonderful. Thank you so much for this. Can you please tell the ladies where they can find you, learn more about you? And I know that you have, like you said, speaking and...

Yeah. Boating available too, if you want to share any of that information as well. Sure. Of course. Thank you. Thanks, Molly. So a couple of ways that you could stay in touch. I have a, on Instagram, you can find me at girl, get your roots done. And I have to sort of explain that. Yes. It's sort of a play on a woman who, you know, spends way too much time and money.

with her hair, but it's about getting your roots done, being grounded, what grounds you, what you're rooted in as a woman. So it's a site where I share different advice, all of it sort of sitting around how you can become confident, whether it's in finding friendships, your career, how you're finding your partner. And then my website is amandamecferson .net.

And through that, you can look into coaching services, speaking, trainings, different opportunities I have there. Fantastic. And ladies, I will be like always including that in the show notes. So it's easy to find her. So thank you once again, joining me here to talk about friendships because it like we have, we could discuss once again, it's very difficult to do as adults and it's very tricky sometimes for women, especially. So thank you so much for being here. It was my pleasure. Thank you. Hope it was helpful.